by Frank Lesser

Dear potential clown,
Thank you for your interest in Martin Luther Clown University, the only historically black Clown College in existence. We at MLCU hope these “Frequently Asked Questions” will help you answer the most important question of all: “Is an historically black Clown College right for me?” (Be sure to ask yourself this question before applying. If the answer is no, please do not apply.)

Is everyone at Martin Luther Clown University black and a clown?

Not everyone at MLCU is a black clown. Approximately 17% of our students are white clowns, and 12% are Hispanic clowns (Laticlownos).
However — and we cannot emphasize this enough — every student at any Clown College, regardless of race, is a clown. Please do not apply to Martin Luther Clown University if you are not interested in clowning.

I am not interested in clowning, but I am black. Should I apply to this school?

Please, no. We do not understand why non-clown students continue to apply. Likewise, when we ask departing students the reason for their leaves of absence, we are puzzled by the frequency of the response: “Not interested in clowning.”

Is Martin Luther Clown University named after Martin Luther King, Jr.?

Martin Luther Clown University was established in 1763 as a Lutheran seminary. We are named after the founder of Lutheranism, Martin Luther, and the school’s chief donor, Gregory Clown. However, OUR EDUCATIONAL MODEL HAS CHANGED. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ATTENDING A LUTHERAN SEMINARY, PLEASE LOOK ELSEWHERE. We suggest nearby Martin Luther Epstein University.

Wait. Why would a Lutheran seminary be
named —

He converted.

How do I apply to Martin Luther Clown University?

First, you need to be a clown. Are you a clown? Please make sure you are a clown before proceeding.

Second, we will need your CAT (Clown Achievement Test) scores. (Be sure to use a number clown pencil.)

Finally, we will need letters of recclownmendation from two high school teachers and an official copy of your clownscript from your high school’s guidance clownselor.

I recently read somewhere that a professor at an historically black Clown College resigned after making an allegedly racist comment; only to have it revealed that he was actually a lightly painted black clown passing himself off as a Jewish clown. Did this happen at MLCU?

You are referring to the fictional clown professor Clownman Silk from Philclown Roth’s novel The Human Clown Stain, played by Clownthany Hopclowns in the film The Human Clown Clown. So no, this did not happen at MLCU.

What famous black clowns have attended Martin Luther Clown University?

So far, only Clownthany Hopclowns and Black Robin Williams.