Rearranged Marriage: A Sequel
I know our relationship seems to have run its course, Diane, but before you take any more meetings with that divorce lawyer, I want you to listen to this pitch: a marriage reboot. I’m thinking “When Harry Met Sally” meets “my relationship with my ex-girlfriend Cassie.” With a few tweaks, I’m confident we can breathe new life into this tired franchise.
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Tattoos for the Terrified
If you’re worried that you’re not cool because you don’t have a tattoo, and also worried about everything else, here are some stress-free suggestions for getting inked (after you’ve researched the ink to make sure it isn’t carcinogenic).
God Bless Us, Every 1 Percent
Ebenezer Scrooge was alphabetizing unpaid mortgages on Christmas Eve when the ghost of his late business partner Jacob Marley appeared, moaning and rattling his chains. “Great, another protester,” Scrooge muttered, before shouting, “Cratchit!,” at which point his clerk burst through the door in riot gear and pepper-sprayed Marley in his ashen face.
You Better Not Pout
This may be tough for you to hear, Billy—but there is no Santa Claus. I should clarify: There was a Santa Claus, and he brought joy to all the children in the world who believed in him, but last Christmas Eve he was murdered during an attempted sleigh-jacking.
Better Off as Friend-Requesters
As a result of their breakup, Mike Bennett and Jen Grunwald hereby agree to end all online contact immediately, subject to the terms and conditions set forth below, and also to both parties getting a good Wi-Fi signal.
The Joy of Unicorns
Hey, preteen girls, put down the rock 'n' roll music records and listen up! If you give up your virginity before you get married, you'll miss out on something far better than sex: befriending a unicorn.
Questioning Godzilla's Existence
Woke up after twenty-year hibernation. Hate when I oversleep-meant to hibernate fifteen years, sixteen tops. Terrible crick in neck-must have slept on my tail wrong.