THE MAGICAL IMP AND THE CRYING CHILDREN
by Frank Lesser
  
 
 
MARCIA and TIMMY are being yelled at by their DAD.
 
DAD
  And for the last time, goddammit, if I wanted to hear you two say, "I love you, Dad," I'd ask you to say it.   Got it?  
 
MARCIA
Yeah.
 
DAD
Timmy?
 
TIMMY
Sorry, Dad.
 
DAD
Good. Now go to bed, I love you.
  (Gives Marcia a balloon,
then pops it.)
Or maybe I'm lying and I wish you were never born! Meditate on that paradox while you cry yourselves to sleep.
 
Dad leaves. Timmy and Marcia trudge to their rooms.
 
MARCIA
Do you think Dad loves us? Or do you think he's lying, like how he lies to us all the time about everything?
 
TIMMY
I think it's like Dad says-- love and hate are two sides of the same coin.
 
MARCIA
Maybe.   But then he throws pennies at our eyes.
 
TIMMY
Yeah...
 
MARCIA
Oh, well. Time to go cry ourselves to sleep!
 
TIMMY
Aw, we did that last night and the night before that and the night before and the night before and--
 
MARCIA
No, I think that was the night we cried all night without sleeping.
 
TIMMY
Let's do something else tonight.
 
MARCIA
Like what?
 
TIMMY
Maybe we could play make-believe!   What if we pretended that when we cried, it made us happy?
 
MARCIA
Okay!
 
They begin crying.
 
TIMMY

Is it working?

 
MARCIA
Nooooooo.
 
Poof. Glitter. THE MAGICAL IMP appears. He speaks in a fancy British/Impish accent.
 
IMP
Hello, my lovelies!
 
TIMMY
Oh, great. Him again.
 
IMP
Yes, 'tis I, the magical imp of jubilation, and sunshine, and raindrops, and tomfoolery, and--
 
TIMMY
Can you make it quick?   We have to go bed or Dad will get angry some more.
 
MARCIA
He's always angry.
 
IMP
Children, are you ready to have some magically delicious fun?
 
They don't answer. Nonplused, the imp continues.
 
IMP
Because... I made it snow-- in your closet!
 
TIMMY
Thanks...
 
MARCIA
Can you do anything to make our Daddy love us?
 
IMP
No. But I can make roses grow out of your noses!
 
Roses grow from their noses.
     
MARCIA
Um. Great.
 
TIMMY
Hey, Imp.
 
IMP
Are you referring to me, the Magical Imp of joy and kittens and horseplay and skullduggery--
 
TIMMY
Yeah. I was just wondering if you could maybe stop visiting us and doing "fun magical things" for us, because those fun magical things make our dad angry.
 
IMP
You mean angry with joy and merriment and chocolate kisses and--
 
TIMMY
No, I mean angry with yelling and being mean. Do you remember that time you turned Mom's jewelry into a candy cane, and then turned our locked front door into an unlocked front door?
 
IMP
Oh, yes, that was magnificent joy!
 
MARCIA
Dad thought we left the door unlocked and let a thief steal Mom's jewels.
 
IMP
Why, that's ridiculous! Didn't he see the candy cane?
 
MARCIA
He doesn't see much through the rage.
 
TIMMY
Do you remember that time you turned the antique porcelain vase into a broken antique porcelain vase?
 
IMP
Oh, yes, such fun!
 
MARCIA
We got in trouble for that, too.
 
IMP
This is a fun game of remembrances! I have one for you, children. Remember that pair of pants hanging on the back of your door?
 
TIMMY
Yeah...
 
IMP
I've turned those pants into a titmouse!
 
MARCIA
Oh, no. Those were Dad's pants.
 
TIMMY
He put them there to scare us.
 
MARCIA
He's gonna kill us.
 
IMP
Oh, he'd never kill you, Marcia.
 
MARCIA
That's good.
 
TIMMY
Or me, right?
(no response)
Right?
 
IMP
(to Marcia)
Would you like to see your future?
 
TIMMY
Wait... Don't you mean futures?
 

Imp takes out a Viewmaster, hands it to Marcia.

 
MARCIA
Wow, this is great! There's me and mom and dad in front of Mount Rushmore! And there we are going skydiving! And there we are just smiling, one big happy family.
 
TIMMY
I want to see!
(flipping through several slides)
There you are with mom and dad at the circus... and at the zoo... Wait, where am I in the future?
 
MARCIA
Yeah, where's Timmy?
 
The imp stares blankly into space, a beatific smile on his face.
 
TIMMY
Am I dead?
 
More silence.
 
TIMMY
Oh my god, I'm dead.
 
IMP
Oh, I'm sorry, what? I got distracted thinking of Happy Land, the magical land from whence I come. That happens sometimes. It's such a wonderful place-- cotton candy streams, buildings made of gingerbread love, not a single dead unloved child littering the streets in Happy Land...
 
TIMMY
What?
 
IMP
Gosh, it's terribly late.
(opens window)
I really should be getting back to Happy Land right now--
 
TIMMY
If I stay here, I'm going to die, I just know it-- I'm heading to Happy Land! Outta my way, Imp-- that's my pathway to a better life!
 
He runs across the room and leaps through the window, screaming.
 
MARCIA
I hope Timmy will be happy in Happy Land.
 
IMP
But-- that wasn't a portal to Happy Land.  That was the window. I opened it because it was so dreadfully stuffy in here.
 
MARCIA
Then how do you get back to Happy Land?
 
IMP
I can only return to Happy Land when a child dies.  
  (whooshing noise offstage)
Oh, there's my portal.
 
MARCIA
Timmy's... not in Happy Land?
 
IMP
Nope. He's dead. Good night, Marcia.
 
MARCIA
  (numbly)
Good night.
 
 
 
END